Remembrance

I don't like to take a lot of time for this anymore. After all, I've grieved and recovered and made my peace with it. But I just can't let it go unmentioned.

Today my second child, my first son, the babe we lost when he was only a month old, would have been 10. TEN! I just cannot believe it. He will always remain that tiny baby in my memory though I always try to imagine what he would be like-the more time passes the harder this is to do.

What would he be like? What would he be doing? How would we be spending this day if things had gone differently? All unanswerable questions. Would he be in 4th grade, or 5th? Would he have been ready enough for Kindergarten to start 3 weeks before his 5th birthday or would we have decided to wait until the following year? Would he have cried on his first day of school?

Would he be athletic like his sister? If he was in 5th grade he would be eligible to play on the boys' soccer team this year. I could be managing two school sports schedules, trying to get to soccer AND field hockey games! Would he be musically inclined? Would he be playing the trumpet or bass in the school band? Would he be studious and analytical like Man-Cub? Would the trials and tribulations of pre-teen life be weighing heavily on him? Would he be secretly crushing on a sweet little girl in his class? Would he be starting to pull away from me, hiding his thoughts and fears?

What would our home be like with three children in it? Would we be able to live in this house or would we have had to move to one with more room? Man-Cub likes to point out that the boys would have to have Redheaded Snippet's room and she would have to have his if his brother had lived. Would we have built our addition the same way if we had three children? Would Man-Cub even be here? My pregnancies were so difficult we were seriously considering not having anymore children after first son was born. Would it be three children or still only two?

These are questions I will never have answers to. And in some ways I think that's good. I don't like to dwell on whether Man-Cub would be ours if we hadn't lost his older brother. It almost feels like having to choose one son over another. Which, of course, we could never ever do. But I am happy and peaceful with the knowledge that, for whatever reason, God designed our family to be the way it is. Our first son is not with us. But Redheaded Snippet and Man-Cub are. I would prefer to have my house chaotic and full with them all, but I've learned to trust that God knows what He's doing, even when it makes absolutely no sense to me.

So, on this day, I am remembering my precious first boy and giving thanks for the life God has given me, the good and the bad.