Friday, October 03, 2008

Calling in Sick

Heck, I wish things looked so cozy and (comparatively) lovely when I'm sick. Nice, fresh-looking eyelet pillowcases, comfy bathrobe, fluffy pillows, even a color-coordinated tissue box. The room looks bright and tidy. I bet that woman smells like lavender and has a big tv complete with cable service right in front of her at perfect viewing level.

Then there's me. My pillowcases are rumpled and sweaty, my bathrobe is old and dingy (although it is October 3 so I could dig out my Fall/Winter red plaid flannel one--yesssssss!), my pillows need a good shaking and fluffing (a spritz of lavender water wouldn't hurt either), my house is a mess (it only took a day-and-a-half) with smelly, dirty dishes in the sick and no clean whites for anyone, I smell like morning breath and two-day-old cheese, my only tv is in the living room, is parallel to the sofa which is nice for normal, sitting-upright, non-convalescent tv watching, but induces massive neck cramps when doomed to lie down, and has only antenna service which means I get to choose between stupid talk shows (which do I hate more Live With Regis and Kelly or The View?), Jerry Springer, Cheaters, and, eventually soap operas. This is why I beg The Viking to rent vapid movies for me when I'm sick. I'm not even going to go into the color-coordinated tissue box because my brain just might spontaneously combust.

Um...did I mention I'm sick? Oh yeah, for reals, yo. My entire body from the larynx up has blown into full revolt. I'm chugging Alka Seltzer Cold, drinking orange juice, sipping tea, munching on Parmesan Goldfish (could be the reason for the two-day-old cheese fragrance), stuffing bits of tissue up my nostrils and sighing miserably. I knew this was coming. I told Mrs. Nugent, who was ill herself a mere 6 days ago, that it was about time for me to get good and sick. I guess she misunderstood and decided to oblige me by INFECTING ME!

At least it's the weekend and people will be around to take care of me a little. But I wanted to be out and about this beautiful October morning buying harvesty things like cornstalks, mums and hay bales! I wanted to get all the Autumn decorations out this weekend! How can I do that if the inside of my head feels like it's been scratched raw by rabid bats?

The Viking is feeling sorry for me so, once he's home, I should be well taken care of. I've been compiling a list of requests all morning. Apple cider donuts, the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Wii game, Throat Coat tea, a Cadbury chocolate bar, and a new crossword puzzle book. That's what I've got so far. From my visit to Blockbuster's website I can safely say I will be adding a few Hercule Poirot or Ab Fab dvds to that list, depending on what's actually available. And I've just decided I'm putting a list together for the children. Things I don't usually ask them to do like wash two-day-old dishes and bake bread puddings and give me shoulder massages. And I've decided to pay them for it. Like maybe $10 for Redheaded Snippet and $5 for Man-Cub, depending on how much they actually do. That should be interesting.

So, I'm off to boil another pot of tea, freshen up a bit, and then get right back to feeling sorry for myself before it's time to get the children. Why didn't I tell them to walk home today? Redheaded Snippet doesn't have practice and the weather's good...stupid sick woman!

Aren't you glad you can't catch colds from the Internet? It's probably the only thing we're safe from here.

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