Baby, It's Vile Outside (and not very pretty inside, either)

Oh I hate this weather. It's hot, humid, the heat index is about 110 degrees and relief is coming by way of weather in only the lower to mid nineties tomorrow, isn't that refreshing?

I hate wearing summer clothes. Only those who are slim and trim look decently presentable wearing tank tops or shorts. Fat chicks in tanks and shorts look preposterous. At least I do. As someone who likes to be as covered up as possible, I find the dog days of summer to be a clothing nightmare.

I hate my hair in the summer. Because of its length and thickness the only way I'm comfortable in hot weather is with it twisted into a knot on top of my head. And that gives me headaches. So I often just sweep it back into a low ponytail which gets very boring day after day after day.

And let's talk about makeup in the summer. I sweat profusely. I know, so very attractively feminine, yes? I have a constant sweat mustache from June to September and my entire face sweats so much I have to keep tissues or a handkerchief on hand at all times to avoid mopping my face on the front of my shirt. So you can imagine how easy it is to apply makeup and keep it on. I'm either red-faced from being overheated or blotchy from my makeup beading up and running off, showing patches of my red skin underneath.

Most of the time I just throw in the towel. I figure what's the point? I spend my summer days wearing trailer-trash tank tops and capri pants (I don't wear shorts) with my hair twisted into a knot on top of my head with a pencil stuck through it and no makeup covering my sweaty, blotchy, red face. Another reason to hibernate until cooler weather comes through! I just wish my poor husband didn't have to look at me during the summer!

And this is just about the kind of weather during which someone will decide it's a great time to plan some kind of outdoor or otherwise poorly ventilated gathering to invite me to. Which means not only having to endure being out in this kind of weather, but also having to wear clothes that look nice (translation=cover most of my body thereby driving the heat index way up), having to arrange my hair in a respectable manner (translation=down and loose and plastered around my face and neck also driving up the heat index) and having to apply makeup (translation=hopeless) all while behaving pleasantly and as if I'm happy to be there! I think summer gatherings should be banned unless the host/hostess is providing air conditioned options to his/her guests.

Every time I find myself wilting and melting under a tent at an outdoor barbecue in August or gasping through a wedding in an un-air-conditioned church in July, I being planning my revenge parties as a way of coping with my misery.

Revenge parties, you say? Glad you asked, my friend, glad you asked. I swear one of these days I am going to organize a large, outdoor party in the middle of February and invite everyone who has ever invited me to sit in their backyard in the middle of July or August. We'll do it just like a summer cookout: cooking, sitting, eating and talking outdoors the entire time. And I will provide the same kinds of protection against the elements that they provided me: a tent in case it snows and plenty of hot drinks. If those aren't enough and they're still cold, they'll have to fend for themselves. And, of course, I'll have the heat in the house turned off because I don't like paying for the extra gas. It'll be up to the individual guests to make sure they have gloves, hats, mittens and boots. It'll be great!

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be sealed in my 70-degree house until September.